Fighting Sociopaths

2011-08-22T17:01:00.000-07:00

I wish I was enough of an authority on the subject of Sociopaths to give sound advice but I feel that everyones experience is unique enough that any advice I give would not fit. My worst fear would be that my advice would make a situation worse for someone. I will say that, if you feel you, or your children are in danger, you need to take action to remove yourself, or your children, from that danger. There are too many stories where someone "hung in there" and someone got seriously hurt.

2011-08-17T21:03:00.000-07:00

It's been a little while since I've posted anything new. I am encouraged by the many responses I've received, though.
I've been dealing with my situation in a somewhat successful manner. My situation involves my small son, of course, and will differ from others. What I basically do is make sure my son knows that I love him and tell him so. I spend most every weekend with him. I make sure to say nothing at all about my opinion of his mother and let him draw his own conclusions. I spend a decent amount of money buying him clothing, toys and things that he needs, regardless of what I already pay his mother. And, I also give his mother extra money, in addition to the 1,102 I already give her every month, for things concerning Loren. You could say I am buying good will from his mother; a form of manipulation, in itself. The thing is, it's working!
I know that not everyone can afford, or may even desire, to do this. In my case it has literally bought me good will and calm relations with his mother so that the stress is much less on my son. This is my primary goal, above all else.
Some may think I am, in a sense, trying to beat her at her own game. I like to believe that I am beating her by "not playing her game." The end result is that my son looks forward to spending time with me every weekend and does not look forward to leaving for his mothers. Once again, I am not saying anything to influence his opinion. I simply make sure we enjoy our time together and keep the stress level down to a minimum.
Again, I realize everyones situation is different. The human condition, and all its myrid dynamics, will never be perfect. And, I will always harbor some ill feelings about my situation. We simply deal with it as best we can and enjoy life to the fullest extent possible.

2010-04-14T23:36:00.000-07:00

I've received an email detailing anothers struggle against a sociopath that is consuming the lives of thier parents. I sympathize with their attempts at legal intervention because my own were fruitless. My impression of the legal authorities is they assume both parties are lying for their own ends. And, in the authorities defense, it does appear that most people believe that lying is acceptable if it can be gotten away with. If the authorities do not have overwhelming evidence they do not appear to rule in anyones favor and choose to do nothing.
Here's another aspect to consider. If you read Martha Stout's book you could conclude that many business people, politicians, police, lawyers and maybe judges are possibly sociopaths. Now I'm not a big advocate of conspiracy theories but given the types of occupations sociopaths gravitate towards it's almost looking like they could be running the show, to a large extent. This being the case, it would not be in their best interest to seek legal precidents against anyone that could be a sociopath. Please remember this is just a thought of mine and is certainly not based on any research.
Now, getting back to the question of whether there is any way to battle a sociopath that is manipulating parents or anyone else, whether it be parents, other relatives or friends, you have to let the others come to their own conclusions. Sociopaths are just too good at lying and making others believe them. Many times people have to loose most of what they have or be abused to a great extent before they come to their own conclusion and say enough is enough! Trying to convince someone that a sociopath is manipulating them is like banging our head against the proverbial wall. People that are being manipulated have difficulty conceiving how someone could have no conscience. You can explain it as much as you want but without a reference frame to what sociopaths are capable of they can't understand it until it's already happened to them. Then they may still be in denial.

2010-03-09T19:17:00.000-08:00

I've had a few people ask me how things have progressed with my situation. I've had to face some harsh realities. I've concluded that fighting a sociopath is mostly an uphill battle due to the enormous burden of proof it takes to bring one down. I've decided the best thing I can do is be a loving father to my son and let him make his own decision, as he gets older. He already says he wants to stay with me and I see it as highly likely he will make that decision when he is old enough to decide which parent he wants to stay with. In the mean time, I make decisions that keep the peace between his mother and myself. Anything else would add stress to my sons life and that is the last thing I want.
If I believed there were some immediate harm occuring to my son I would definitely not take the tact I have. Barring some physical risk I will bide my time and do the best I can with the hand I've been dealt. I'm sure everyones situation differs from mine and that my decision will not prove a good fit for everyone else. The one piece of advice I would give to anyone else, keeping in mind that I am no expert in the field, is to do what you think is right for your child. If you are in a relationship with a sociopath and there are no children involved I would tell you to get away as fast as possible.

2007-02-28T21:13:00.000-08:00

I've made it back from Iraq, although without realizing all of my financial goals. I ended my work prematurely to be with my son. It's difficult to imagine how much a person can love one of their children until they have to spend a substantial amount of time away from them. I eventually decided that being with my son was more important than my financial debt. I've been back for over a month now and although the battle with his mother has begun all over again it is definitely worth it to spend time with him. This is the only thing that makes it tolerable to put up with his mothers lies and manipulation.
It's really quite amazing how easily a Sociopath can tell a lie without the slightest hesitation or expression of emotion. I think what I notice most about it is how unemotionally they do it. The lack of emotion is what tells on them. Not a trace of guilt comes across in their expression or mannerisms. When I think of how guilty I would feel telling the same lies she does it almost makes me ill. My main hope, as "Anonymous" stated, is that she will self-destruct and I will be there to assist my son and, yes, I admit it, witness her downfall with some satisfaction. It may sound petty but with all I've suffered from her divisiveness I will feel some vindication when she does fall.

2006-06-14T09:16:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since I've come to terms with the fact the legal system gives fathers no rights, even when he is the better parent. Society simply is not ready to give fathers equal rights in regard to children. I'm not saying they should give all fathers equal regard. After all, there are some fathers that are obviously not capable of taking care of a child. I am saying both parents should be honestly evaluated and be regarded in the context of modern psychology and caregiving for a child. Irregardless, I've come to terms with the disheartening reality and am now working on paying off my legal fees incurred. To do this, I've had to take a job in Iraq for a year and hope it will be enough. It tears me apart to spend time away from my child but bankruptcy is not a viable option.

2006-02-16T17:16:00.000-08:00

A Perfect Target
Thank you for sharing your own experiences Catherine. Not that I would wish it on anyone, but it does me good to know I am not alone in what I have suffered.
With the statistics of 4 percent of the population being Sociopaths, I can only imagine many others have suffered the same situation we have. Sadly, I believe most people discover they have been dealing with a Sociopath only after the fact. As we did. It's kind of the nature of the beast and the facade they put forth for the unsuspecting to see. They are the "Preying Mantis' of humanity. Camouflaged to our view and then pouncing on their unsuspecting prey and ripping them apart, emotionally.
With the plethora of Sociopaths in society, we almost need an advocacy group to educate people about them. Although, I would imagine the liklihood of that happening would be pretty slim, due to all the other pressing issues being dealt with on a daily basis in America and around the world.
I will pass on word of your blog to others in the hope it will benefit them as much as it does me.

2006-02-15T17:24:00.000-08:00

Thanks for the note of support Catherine. It means more than you may realize.
Tomorrow I have the mandatory settlement conference to attend. Not too surprisingly, the Sociopath added more fabrications in her settlement conference documentation. Unfortunately, only by proceeding with a full investigation by the GAL and continuing to trial will the facts actually be brought out to show her for what she is. The GAL and the attorneys always push for a settlement, of course, because it frees up their time for what they consider more important cases. To quote Stephen Covey's book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, " you can't be efficient with people. You have to be effective." Their not attempting to find out the facts about the situation, in the beginning and only assuming both parties were lying in their sworn declarations has resulted in this process dragging on and costing even more time and money. Effectiveness would have been getting to the root of the issue from the beginning, rather than making decisions out of ignorance and allowing the situation to drag on for a year.
My biggest challenge is not allowing the situation to make me bitter. I would like to say it hasn't but I definitely have my moments when it really bothers me. To quote Nietzsche, "Whoever fights monsters must see to it that in the process he does not become a monster." I really don't think it's possible to become like a Sociopath, though.
If anyone that reads this is going through a similar situation and has a question that I may be able to help them on, please feel free to ask. I've found too little resources myself and what I have learned has been the hard way. If nothing else you will at least know you are not the only one going through this ordeal. I can't imagine this is not common. Only that most people may not realize what kind of person they are dealing with.

2006-02-07T20:42:00.000-08:00

As the legal system plods on, it is very difficult to be patient. My waiting may be starting to pay off. The Guardian Ad Litem (GAL) recommended I get almost 50 percent time with my child, which my childs mother was quick to calculate may reduce the additional income she gets from me by 300 dollars. She quickly objected to this and stated it was because of the monitary losses she would suffer. My attorney picked up on this like a vulture on dead meat. He was almost estatic in saying it indicated she was only concerned about the money and not my child. I've been telling him this all along, of course. So, perhaps this will prove a turning point in my luck. Since the mother objected, we go to court with the GAL now and the GAL will put her recommendations in front of the Judge. I've been told all along the Judge will almost always follow the GAL's recommendations. So I may just get the time with my son I should have had all along. We'll wait and see before I count it a done deal.

2006-01-25T21:35:00.000-08:00

The struggle for my child against his sociopathic mother has entered a new stage, now that I've had my interview with the Guardian Ad Litem (GAL).
I'd been told all along that petitioning for and hiring a GAL was still no guarantee of getting a fair shake in court. the GAL brings their own biases and assumptions to the process, just as the judges and commissioners do. You could get a GAL that is traditional in her thinking that only the mother is capable of caring for and nurturing a child. Or, you could get someone that is up to date on current parenting practices and realizes that many fathers are assuming the role of caring for children, especially when the mother is not fit.
During the interview, it was obvious, and openly stated, the GAL assumes both sides are lying in their sworn declarations about each other. I informed the GAL that my attorneys have always told me to tell the truth to the best of my knowledge and recollection. During most of the process it has even seemed to my detriment to tell the truth while the other party has been telling the most horrific lies about me. Still, after this is all over and done with, I will have retained my self respect. Although, it will make no difference to a sociopath whether they lie or who they hurt with their fabrications.
The GAL was even able to clarify some of my first courtroom experiences. During my very first appearance in court, it was before a Commissioner by the last name of dickey. I felt at the time I was being treated like a criminal and that she had assumed the sociopaths statements were true. The GAL informed me the commissioner was a "man hater" and that they also do not like attorneys from the adjoining county representing people in their county. As a result, both myself and my attorney were discriminated against in the courtroom. I went into this situation being idealistic about the justice system. Now, I'm definitely cynical about justice being blind.
Anyhow, the primary accomplishment with the GAL was she agreed to word her recommendation to suggest psychological evaluations for both parties, should we not be able to settle out of court. Now, I assume, it only remains to attend the mandatory settlement conference and inform them I want the psychological evaluations performed. Although, I have to check with my attorney and it may be possible to get the process started earlier. Once again, I will have to play the waiting game and be patient with this slow, tedious, process.

2006-01-16T20:23:00.000-08:00

I'm really surprised when I do a blogsearch and find many people that are evidently trying to proclaim themselves Sociopaths, or at least use it as part of their titles. A true sociopath does not realize they are one. In their unique way of perceiving the world, they are the normal ones and would never even consider they have some sort of personality defect. The same way that someone we consider "crazy" does not think they are crazy. Their illness shapes and filters the way they perceive the world around them. Perhaps an appropriate analogy would be a colorblind individual that perceives only black and white. If they've never seen color before they would have absolutely no idea what it looks like. You could attempt to explain it for hours and never get the concept across. It's something that has to be experienced to be fully understood. To the Sociopath, you would be attempting to explain what mainstream society considers "normal." Something the Sociopath has never experienced and is incapable of experiencing.
In my own dealings with Sociopaths, they deny they have a problem. Not because they are lying about having a problem. simply because they are incapable of seeing how they are perceived by most others. What further compounds the issue is that most "normal" people are also incapable if imagining another having the traits of a Sociopath. Attempt to imagine someone with absolutely no empathy for others and it's impossible for most of us. Most people have lived with emotion as part of our psychological makeup all our lives and it's an integral part of the lens through which we view the world. What has really brought Sociopaths to the attention of mainstream humanity is the use of them in movies and the news we receive from around the world of people committing horrific crimes with apparently no remorse whatsoever.

2006-01-14T20:39:00.000-08:00

I'm at the stage of conferencing with the Guardian Ad Litem (GAL) I petitioned for to represent my son. This is one of the last hopes I have of ensuring my son has a "normal" future as a child and later as an adult. I say this because Martha Stout stated " most of her patients had difficulties as a result of their contact with Sociopaths." All I can do is appeal to the GAL's sense of representing the best interest of the child and request psychological testing to verify his mother is a Sociopath. It seems simple and a fairly reasonable request, but many people do not realize Sociopaths are among us on a daily basis. It's hard for someone with normal emotions to imagine someone else having no empathy for others.
For those of you wanting to find out more about Sociopaths and the resources needed to deal with them, there is a wonderful website with many links that can be helpful. It's at www.sociopathnextdoor.com Another good site is PSYCHOPATH@groups.msn.com. There are many good links there, depending on specific needs. I found both these sites well after I first began the process of fighting the Sociopath and wish I'd had some of the information earlier. My whole idea behind this blog is to assist others before they suffer the same fate I have and I will continue to list resources as I find them.

2005-12-14T21:17:00.000-08:00

Fighting a Sociopath has got to be one of the loneliest struggles there is. Your friends will not realize what you are dealing with because the Sociopath turns on their false charm when around them. You yourself, if you do not realize what you are dealing with, are being manipulated by the Sociopath and they are likely keeping you under a cloud of self-doubt and playing on your own insecurities and honesty.
It's easy for an honest person to be taken in. Honest people tend to believe the best of others and are not on the lookout for someone manipulating them. They will make excuses to themselves for the Sociopaths behavior and even go out of their way to be even nicer to the Sociopath, thinking they are deserving of sympathy for some unknown personal crisis they may be experiencing. Little do they know, they are playing into the Sociopaths hands.
If one does not have any idea of what a Sociopath is, one might think they simply have peculiar personality quirks and not realize they are manipulating the people around them. After educating myelf, I've come to realize I've met several in the past, many of them in the military. I remember the charm they could turn on or off at will, depending on if they wanted something or not. In hind site, their charm appeared forced and unnatural. The smiles they displayed and their laughs were an act and not spontaneous reactions. They were simply putting on an act for the benefit of others and to further their own agendas.
Most people may even refuse to believe there are such things as Sociopaths. It's such a foreign concept to a person with empathy that another person can be totally lacking in empathy. But, if we look around us in the media stories about horrific acts being perpetrated on others around the world and in the United States, we can ask ourselves how another person could do such a thing? If we think about it, someone that has absolutely no empathy for others would be the answer. And these are only the stories that make the media. There are many that will never be known about. A spouse that is manipulating his partner and children but does not commit an actual crime will never make the news. In many third world countries around the world, if a husband beats his wife or is totally controlling of her it is accepted as his right. It could be happening in the house next to us and we would be totally oblivious to it. It's something that will and should bother us to think about.

2005-12-11T21:53:00.000-08:00

I would think anyone would ask, is it not obvious that another person is a Sociopath? Unfortunately, if you do not know what to look for it is not obvious at all. Sociopaths can be very charming and successful in various areas of business and life in general. It all depends on the level of ambition of the Sociopath, of course.
Think about one type of Sociopath that gravitates to business. Since they have no conscience to hold them in reign, they can be extremely cut-throat in all their dealings and in climbing the coporate ladder. It would not matter to them who they trample in their climb to the top. It would not bother them one bit to generate a false rumor about one of their associates in order to caste them in a bad light and make themselves look better. It would not matter that getting their co-worker fired would also put his or her family in financial jeopardy. Thier co-worker is simply an obstical in their way that needs to be dealt with, and is dealt with in a totally unemotional manner. Because Sociopaths totally lack empathy for others they can do and say the most horrific things without a second thought.
Another type of Sociopath can be the minamalistic type. One that wants to do as little as possible to get by. They gravitate to jobs where they have to do very little work and, if possible, where they have some control over others from which they derive an enormous amount of satisfaction from "stirring the pot" and then sitting back to watch what happens. They really enjoy this "control game" and manipulation of others. Many are in the military and do quite well there. Imagine, if you will, a Sociopath in the military and in a position of authority. In making decisions about others lives and careers in the process of furthering their own goals they would not hesitate even the slightest bit. Others gravitate towards careers like Corrections Officers where they have to perform very little labor or intellectual work and have control over people that are basically helpless to repond to their Sociopathic games. They literally have a captive audience to abuse.
As in many areas of life, the key here is education so we know how to identify them. Once you know what to look for, you will have one of those moments referred to as an epiphany. You will realize people you have had contact with in the past are Sociopaths and their odd behavior you were not able to explain before will suddenly make sense to you. Since I know so many people simply can not find the time to read, I hope Martha Stout will begin the talkshow circuit to get the word out.

2005-12-08T21:56:00.000-08:00

According to Martha Stout's (PHD and consultant to Harvard Medical School) book"The Sociopath Next Door," "4 percent of the population consists of Sociopaths." People that have absolutely no empathy for others and can do the most horrendous things to and against other people without the least emotional censure. That's one out of every 25 people. For those of us that are struggling against a Sociopath, or the aftereffects of contact with one, it's much more than a statistic. It's a traumatic part of our lives that will have a significant and prolonged emotional impact on us and, perhaps worse, on our children.
Martha stout explains "the majority of the patients she has treated is due to thier contact with Sociopaths." That's a good indicator of what kind of damage a Sociopath can do to our society. It would be beneficial for everyone to read her book and know what signs to look for. She will highlight what indicators to look for in determining who is a Sociopath and what to do if you are forced to work with one. She gives several good examples of Sociopaths and how they interact with people and see the world. From my own experiences, they are evil and should be avoided at all cost. Unfortunately, some of us can not avoid Sociopaths because we have the common link of a child that forces us to interact with them.
For the benefit of others struggling against a Sociopath, I'll post my own progress fighting for my child's future and the beneficial techniques I learn. If I can help just one person in their struggle, I will feel my time spent has been worthwhile.

Jeffrey